Because I have to

I use to be thin and I thought I was happy, but I was miserable. Now I'm happy and I'm fat. I tell myself I'm not fat in the "fat" kind of way, but when I started looking for all of the categories of fat I couldn't find the book I swore I read that explained each level. Something about you're not fat fat unless you're the one that eats the last slice of pizza at the party. Since I only think about eating the last slice of pizza, I must only be fat. With one fat. Not two.

I've found myself thinking about how I use to be when I was thinner. That doesn't scare me too much since I am pretty big on self reflection. Then I started thinking about who I use to be and that terrified me. I don't like being defined by my appearance because I have paid higher education quite a bit of money for my brain. This brain knows the value of herself and was shocked to find a correlation
between how I looked and how I saw myself. It wasn't for at least two more months before I realized my brain wasn't devaluing how I looked, but it was reacting to how I feel. I'm sluggish, I don't want to wake up, I've developed an afternoon sweet tooth, coffee barely gives me energy, I'm cranky, negative thoughts about the people I love have been creeping into my head, and worst of all I can't seem to stop my face from breaking out. Hot Yoga and running were my sports of choice and now I cannot stomach the thought of sweating for 90 minutes or getting dressed to go for a run.

This is where I am now. I've hit the weight on the scale that I said I would never hit...and then I went five pounds past it. Shopping has become torture because I cannot wear the same style of clothes i was once able to wear. I'm done complaining to myself. I know what comes with being overweight- health problems, doctors visits, and pills. All of which I'm not a fan of, but that is for another post. Today I've sworn to be transparent with myself and hold my self accountable for how I treat my body. I'm taking my transparency to a level of discomfort for me by publishing this blog. I don't want to hide. I'm fat fat? or fatish? or fatttt? What I am is unhealthy. But I won't always be this way. So I am taking the first step to regaining my energy so that I can continue to be the amazing person that I have always been.